I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
