i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
