I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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