Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Your penis caused this!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
