I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
