I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
