Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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