i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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