Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
