I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
