he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I forget how to act sober
Randomize