He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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