When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
