girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
