Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
