I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
