At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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