if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
