is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
