Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
