Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Green mimosas i think yes
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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