i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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