We tried having a conversation with our noses.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
