I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
