Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
