I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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