I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
