it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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