What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
