I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
