Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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