and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize