My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
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