God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
