Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
She made me pour olive oil on her.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
