God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
