So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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