Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
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