Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
