At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
