my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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