I think im going to throw up on grandma
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
