I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
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