when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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