And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
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