I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
