My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
