i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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