tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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