Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
