wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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