I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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