i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize