I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
