I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
