I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
