I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
