so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
