Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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