I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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