i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
