just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Randomize