I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
