I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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