There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
