Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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