So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
