Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
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