I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize