i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
