I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
So vagazzling was a success
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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