hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
